Ever since I was little, I've always felt like I've lived for a bigger purpose. I know that believing in God, you DO live for a bigger purpose, but this isn't what I'm talking about. I truly feel that things affect me more deeply than they do others, and I feel that I'm supposed to make a difference in the world. That it is my calling, no matter how small of a difference.
The same things don't make me happy that make others happy. Materialistic things don't make me happy. Sure, I have nice things, and I won't deny that I've been very blessed. But, overall, those things don't make me happy. In fact, a lot of times they make me feel embarrassed. I HATE it when my students ask me where my clothes come from, or see what type of car I drive. I don't want them ever to think that they need these types of things in order to succeed in life. To me, success isn't about how much money you make, what type of car you drive, or what neighborhood you live in.
I have incredible friendships, and I'm very content in having a handful of close girlfriends. I'm not the kind of girl that needs to walk into the restaurant and know everyone. I also don't need to be surrounded by people at all times, in fact, I need alone time to survive. Time to read, to think, to analyze. To pray.
Relationships have never fulfilled me. Yes, I love being in love (who doesn't), but I'm not the girl who can put everything I have into a man. I just can't. Men typically try to change me. It's not their fault, but I think sometimes they think that I don't know what I want; if they just create another version of myself, then I'll be content with just being their girlfriend. I do know what I want, know who I am... it's just hard to put into words sometimes.
I have this yearning, this longing to do big things, in my little corner of the world.
Ordinary events affect me much deeper than they do my friends, my acquaintances. Compassion in one of my spiritual gifts, and sometimes I wish it wasn't . Anytime I hear of anything sad or tragic, I'm completely broken. It's like I'm going through the event myself. I've cried, sobbed countless times for people I've never met, for situations, circumstances. Anytime one of my friends deals with the loss of a loved one, a broken heart, or shattered dreams; it's as if my world stops. I can't stop thinking of them, thinking of ways to help them, ways to lessen their load.
This is how I know that I'm different from most.
I've always had dreams for my future, but my dreams revolve around other people. Doing something for someone, anyone. Making a difference in a life. Creating change.
This is why I decided to become a teacher, and it is the single most fulfilling job I could have chosen for myself. Yet, even though I have arrived at the beginning of a lifelong profession of changing lives. I am still not content. I still see bigger, better things for me to do. I want to truly make a difference, I want to impact lives, I want to travel and see the world through God's eyes. See people as He sees them. Love as He loves.
I've always felt guilty for not feeling the call towards overseas missions. Yet, now I realize that I have perhaps the largest mission field. I have 150 new students each year, whom, Lord willing, I can make a difference to.
So even though I'm not sure where I'm going, and often the ride is bumpy and sporadic; stained with sweat and tears.... come along for the ride.