Thankfully my life is filled with joy most days. Deep, Joy. But there is still a constant lingering thought that I have to fight the devil over every single day. I am terrified that my prince has already passed me by. I want so desperately to be married and to be a mom, and I fear that that's not what God's plan is for me. Sometimes, I'm scared that I already messed things up too bad. I wonder where my future husband is? Are you in one of my classes? Are you ministering to kids somewhere far away? Do you think of me too? Do you pray for me and wish that I would hurry up and get to you? Because I do, I pray for you and wish that you would just come a little sooner. I'm lonely sometimes. I want that person to snuggle up to in bed, someone to make fun of me when I do stupid things, someone to wipe my tears. I want you to tell me that you are so mad at that person who completely shattered my heart. I want you to want to beat him up (no I won't let you, but I want you to WANT to). And then I wanna know that it was all worth it. I want to stand at the end of that aisle on my wedding day knowing that all the pain, the tears, the waiting. That everything was worth it for this moment. And while I am waiting on my earthly prince, I am leaning on my heavenly Prince. And yes, Lord it was all worth it. The pain, the tears, I know that you are just tearing away the bad fruit so that I can produce good fruit. You trusted me with pain. I trust you with my life. With every decision. I know it won't get easier here, but I know that my life is not my own. It's yours, for your plan. There is freedom in your will. True freedom.
I'm so amazed at how much my heart is changing. I am no longer looking to earthly things, but towards the heavenly plan. I am not who I once was. I hope someday that I can sit down and tell a young girl my whole story, and I hope that she will walk away changed, and believing in a God so much bigger than me. God has been shaping a one-of-a-kind testimony for me, and while it has been painful and difficult, it has been so worth it. If my story can turn even one person to God, it will all be worth it.
I know Jesus looks back to the cross and says Yes, It was all worth it.
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