Confessions

Here's an honest confession. As much as I know about what I want in life, I have NO CLUE how to get from point A to point B.

I've always been a planner, I know what type of man I want to marry, I know what I want my wedding to look like. I know what my dream house looks like and I know how many kids I want to have. I know that I want to teach Sunday School and have foster kids someday. I know all of these things, yet I don't know what the next few years of my life looks like. It's a feeling that terrifies me yet is also exhilarating at the same time.

The more and more I think about marriage and spending the rest of my life with one person, the more it terrifies me. What if a week after I'm married I realize I made a huge mistake? What if my marriage becomes boring and mundane?

I guess the big question is.. What if my life isn't how I always dreamed it would be? But then again, what are my dreams anyway?

For a girl who has always known what she wants, suddenly I don't know what I want at all. All I want to do is follow my redeemer on a life of adventure, but right now even He seems eerily quiet. Is this the calm before the storm, or the light at the end of the tunnel? Where is God when my life seems to be one constant swirl of confusion and struggle? I know He's there, but I want to feel Him there. I want Him to calm my heart and show me purpose.

Am I too much? Probably.