Do you have a day when you know that you're life irreversibly changed, never to return to where it was previously?
I do.
Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of my accident. Sometimes it seems like it's been longer than 2 years. Some nights I lay in bed and can still remember the pain. I remember some pieces of it vividly, yet some pieces I can't remember at all. Not a day goes by that I'm not thankful.
Although I've made references to it, I've never written on here about all the details of my accident and God's hand in all the pieces since then. I can't promise that I'll get through this without a few tears, but I can promise that I will be sincere and honest, and incredibly transparent. In the hopes that maybe, it might help someone who feels as though they are suddenly thrown into "Plan B".
January 8th, 2009. I had went on a winter vacation with my boyfriend at the time, and his amazing family. They were like a second family to me, and all of the girls were extremely close. I was so excited for this trip because I immensely enjoyed just spending time with everyone. It was a Thursday morning, and we were all out on the slopes enjoying our last day of skiing before we were to head back on Saturday. I wouldn't say that I'm an avid skier, but I've been enough times before to be decent at it. We had met up with some friends who were staying at the same resort as us, and began to ski through several slopes in order to arrive at a different mountain. During one of the runs, my ski hit a patch of ice sending me skidding, and then tumbling down the mountain. I don't remember falling, I just remember slowly coming to a stop and yelling at the top of my lungs "My leg, my leg, my leg". I wouldn't look at it, but I just knew it was broken. I've broken enough bones before to know what THAT feels like. We were on the mountain for about an hour and a half before EMT could reach us. At the top of the mountain they went ahead and administered an I.V with pain medicine before attempting to transport me down the mountain. We arrived at the hospital at the base of the mountain, and I remember joking that I was being all dramatic and I probably only had a sprained ankle. It wasn't exactly so simple. My leg was broken in 5 places and I needed emergency surgery to place an external fixator on it. I immediately started bawling. An external fixator has always been my worst nightmare, seriously. I was taken to an Orthopedic Hospital outside of Denver and I had surgery late that night. By then, it was too late for my parents to catch a flight out to Colorado to make it in time for my surgery. I woke up from surgery late that night. I honestly wasn't in that much pain then because I was on so many painkillers. We flew home that Saturday. My mom broke down when she saw me in the airport, I could only imagine how she much of felt knowing everything I was going through and not being able to be there with me. I had the external fixator on my leg for a week. It was incredibly painful. Every move I made hurt, like it was shifting my bones. I had my next surgery a week later to piece my leg back together with pins, screws, and plates. I woke up from that surgery in intense pain. The worst pain I have ever felt in my life. My boyfriend then, had to leave to return to school in Fayetteville. I remember feeling so incredibly alone, scared, and just so sick. He was my constant companion, and up until that point he had been by my side through everything.
After a week in the hospital I returned home. At first I was in good spirits at getting better and returning to normal activities. When I realized that it would be a slow, painful recovery, my hope diminished. Soon my mom had to return to work, and I was left by myself for most of the day. I wouldn't say I was depressed during that time, because I would never want to compare what I went through to the horrible thing that depression is. I can say that I was very very sad, and felt very much alone.
At a time when I should have drawn close to the Lord, I withdrew from Him. I wasn't mad at God, but I didn't feel his presence. I withdrew from friends, and placed incredible expectations on my boyfriend. Expectations that only God could fill.
Going through an illness or an injury with a significant other is extremely difficult. It was impossible for my boyfriend to understand how I felt, though I desperately wanted him to. I felt so left behind. He was able to continue with his life, without me, while I was just stuck in "pause".
After 6 months I was able to walk again, and I went through over a year of intensive Physical Therapy. I returned home to Fayetteville to continue with school and hopefully "pick up where I left off". Although we tried, my boyfriend and I were at completely different places in our lives. I'll never deny or doubt the love that we had for each other, but it wasn't enough to salvage the pieces that our relationship was in. Several months after I returned to Fayetteville, we said goodbye and went our separate ways. Both heartbroken.
I truly believe that heartache manifests itself differently in guys and girls. He soon after found love with someone else. I didn't. I truly believe that I needed to feel every bit of pain that was caused by the ending of the relationship, of all my hopes and dreams for the future.
MY hopes. MY dreams.
Not God's.
That's what I learned. Through everything. That my hopes and dreams don't always align with God's. He had such a bigger plan for me, than I had for myself. He literally had to break me, before he could build me back up.
My senior year of college was the most painful, yet most incredible year of my life. I met people that I never would have met had God not interceded. I had amazing women mentors, women who prayed with me, cried with me, rejoiced with me. I built friendships that I had been longing for for years. I restored friendships that were broken by my own selfishness, and inability to see past the lies that Satan feeds me. And yet it WAS painful. I know that most people make heartache seem easy, because that's what we want it to look like. But it's not. On the same days that I would have the most incredible time with friends, and feel so amazingly close to God, I would still cry myself to sleep. Wrestling with the idea that maybe somehow the love story I wanted could work out.
I think that's our problem a lot of the time. We put commas, where God puts a period.
Eventually though, I got over the hurt and was able to truly find joy and hope. I no longer found myself wondering "what if" or hoping for things that were already gone. God had given me new hopes, and dreams, and a future.
Throughout all of this, God taught me to be independent yet still completely dependent on Him. He taught me the importance of surrounding myself with Godly influences. He gave me my passions, and built in me a love for Him and His people. Sometimes I still surprise myself at just how far I have come.
God also provided me with amazing guy friends. Guys who would call to check on me, never leave me alone on a Saturday night, and remind me that I'm irreplaceable.
Now I can say that I am truly joyful and happy. I'm at an incredible place in my life. Yes, I still feel lonely at times, but sometimes loneliness can be a good thing. As my mom reminded me tonight that it has been 2 years since my accident she told me, "God broke you, so He could make you better." And I am.
Not a day goes by that I'm not reminded of my accident. My leg constantly hurts, but the hurt is only a physical manifestation of the healing God has given me. Sometimes I get angry. Angry that I can't chase after the little kids that I'm constantly surrounded by, upset that I can't water ski or snow ski anymore. Irritated when my ankle won't fit into the newest style of shoes, or when I cut myself shaving because I don't have feeling on the front of my leg. None of that compares to the happiness I have now that I can exercise again, enjoy my freedom again, and enjoy having a relationship with my God that was restored through my brokenness, in every sense of the word.
Most people can't define a specific moment when their life changed, but I can. My life changed on January 8th, 2009 in Breckenridge, CO and has been evolving ever since.
So although I thought my life turned into "Plan B" I realize that it was God's only plan.
